Here are the top 6 things we’re scared to do in front of you:
A good date centers around good food, great conversation, and fantastic foreplay under the table. We don’t want to ruin the mood by slurping up spaghetti, gnawing on a piece of sushi, or stabbing ourselves in the eye with a tricky kabob stick. Save us some trouble by picking a place with bite-sized sauce-free food like carrots or ice shavings.
It’s clinically proven that gas is the fastest killer of a romantic night. Couples instantly go from being wrapped around each other naked to sleeping on opposite ends of the bed wearing nightgowns over flannel pajamas. Please do us a huge favor by letting us blame any unexplainable noises and lingering smells on the dog — even if you don’t have a dog.
Some women use Facebook to stay in touch with friends, as well as to see who gained the most weight since high school. Other women use it to legally stalk ex-boyfriends, one-time hook-ups, and crushes. We fully acknowledge that we’re absolutely batshit insane, yet we have trouble stopping ourselves from completing our daily ritual. Help us not embarrass ourselves by lying to us and saying you don’t have the internet because you don’t believe in using it — and for your own sake, never let us know you have Facebook.
The gym is a great place for us to lose weight, stay in shape, and compare ourselves to fatter women. However, unless we’re only taking power yoga classes, it’s not a great place to run into someone we like. We’re worried that you’ll be completely focused on our sweaty head bands, red faces, and our manly gym attire. A great way to make us feel better if you run into us at the gym is to focus on the work-out. Instead of noticing our gym attire, try saying something nice like “wow you’ve lost more weight than the office could have ever imagined.”
Sometimes we watch really stupid TV that we’re embarrassed to watch in front of anyone else — let alone someone that we really like. We’re talking reality television that makes the Kardashian family look like they deserve a show and movies that make chick flicks look like war documentaries. If you ever walk in on us changing the station quickly to ESPN, then please don’t ask what we were watching before and why we’re sobbing over SportsCenter.
Believe it or not (and many choose not to) some women have the ability to poop. And we use the exact same kind of bathroom you do! However many of us will run out of your house and go to the nearest gas station before we’ll use your toilet. Installing a porta-potty outside your house covered in sound proof material and filling it with at least 6 air fresheners is a great way to make us feel comfortable living together. We’ll be able to poop out of ear shot and you’ll be able to keep on pretending that women only have one hole.